Posted on 2006.09.16 at 23:14
and i'm not coming out until this is all over.
I've been all over the place in the past two months and everything is a blur. I have more memories from these weeks than from any other time in my life. I'm living for the first time and it's alright.
But every morning I wake up from a horrible dream. I can't avoid it; every night for the past long time it's been something bad, painful, bitter and dispapointing. Usually involving random girls.
For the longest time I've denied myself the right of being a blissfully ignorant, fucked up teenager. I never had that in my life until now, and although it comes with more drama than an hour on TNT, I think it's worth it. Some moments are just so... right.
Like every night, past midnight, when I've got school in six hours, and I'm out in the rain without a care in the fucking world.
Yet I still think about the things that have hurt me for as long as I can remember.
What a fucking buzzkill.
I haven't written in a while, and the people that may bother to read this I barely even talk to any more. I miss you all and I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
Posted on 2006.07.27 at 06:29
Upstairs, it sounds like the sink has been running for hours. In this dimly lit room with a cheap, hastily-purchased lamp to cast light on the wall next to me such that I can just make out my pathetic shadow, time does not exist. It's looked the same down here since I first sat in this chair at around 8pm. Upstairs, doors have open and closed, water has been turned on and off, food has been cooked, chairs have been shuffled and channels have been changed, but I'm never the wiser. In reality, I've been up there many times. I've made myself breakfast, lunch and dinner in my own time. I've watched two movies and made many trips to the bathroom. I've read a book on the couch, found the Newsweek on the kitchen table and perused it a while there. It's been a completely normal day with a horizontal shift about twelve hours ahead. An I were living in Australia, no one would say a damn thing.
I had a dream last night that I went somewhere, not too far from home but one of those places that's far enough so that it's a pretty odd coincidence to meet people you know. I suppose I was with my father, but I don't recall the occasion. The entire dream felt like a continuation of the night that I had before I fell asleep. I'd left the house around 1:50am and walked the usual way up a street or two and met up with a friend. When I saw him he was smoking a cigarette, and I thought to myself how nice it would be to have one between my fingers too. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life and don't intend to. I just know well enough that my life is the kind of thing that makes sense behind a cigarette.
The rest of that night is unimportant. Or maybe it's crucial to the story and I'm too embarassed or scared to tell the truth about it. The point is, I was with my best friend for a couple hours, we watched TV and some stuff, then I walked home in the dark around 5am. Completely tired and otherwise mentally altered, I was able to sleep soundly and quickly, which is a very rare occurence for me and only really happens on these nights. For that I am happy.
Anyway, in this dream I was in a room with the best friend I was with (who I had met in this room on coincidence) with a bunch of other people from school around us. Me and him were dressed in the same shit we wore that night, but these other people were dressed formally, for what I was told was a play. The only person I remember being in the room was Kelly, who said she was playing the Devil's Penguin or something. I remember hugging her and saying she looked nice and wishing her luck. I couldn't make the play for the same reason I was there with my dad.
I woke up, and when I got on the computer, Kelly was online. I haven't spoken to Kelly once since school let out, but I've thought about her more than a couple of times. Kelly and I were never close friends, but I guess it's because we never had a lot of time together. The only classes we shared were the separate desk classes where you don't really talk to other people about things that don't pertain to the class 'cause your teacher's a dick. We went to a movie together once, as friends, I suppose. It was a movie about tigers, called Two Brothers. Since then that's been our memory. The thing we talk about. But I want to make more of those, even if they are cliche. Doesn't fucking matter. I like Kelly, I like being around her, she's fun. I don't know if today was the first time I actually saw her online, or if it was the first time I noticed her online. Either way, I'm glad I had that dream. We're seeing a movie on Friday and I'm happy about it. Is it a date? I don't know. I'm not worried about that kind of shit anymore.
I'll end with this thought. Recently I've been thinking about the music I listen to and wonder why I listen to some of it. I like The Mars Volta, for example. They've got great skill, interesting lyrics and things I enjoy singing along to in my head. But as for sound... it's kind of weird. Kind of out there. Kind of something that can give you a headache. I wonder a lot why I don't just listen to things that sound good. Isn't that what music is? Sounding good?
So I'm listening right now to Aerosmith. I'm listening to Guns N'Roses and some Japanese bands that I don't know what the hell they're saying. But damn, they say it so nicely.
Posted on 2006.06.30 at 03:20
this is my 3:20 am confessional. the kind of shit you won't hear me say when it's light out, or when i've slept in a while, but the kind of shit i'm always thinking. i don't know about anyone else, but i'm always running two, three or four thought processes at a time. i can't focus one on thing, like counting sheep. that's why i can't sleep. i always feel like i've overslept when i'm waking up at two, three pm, but i realize the time i went to sleep, truly went to sleep... was always about three hours after i fell into bed.
three hours of nothing but trying not to think, and all i'm doing is thinking. these condensed moments of thought lead to all sorts of things, and i've always pushed them into the back of my mind because god, i need to sleep, i've got to be up tomorrow.
but right now, i felt compelled to get up, come on here and say it to no one, because you're not reading this, it's too damn long. you selfish asshole.
i was thinking right before i got up about the only person that ever gave me a chance. well, not the only person, but... i don't know, the only person i could actually be there with. i'm a filthy liar and an asshole, because there are a couple of other girls out there who gave me a chance, are still giving me a chance, but for extended periods of time, i just ignore them. i wonder frequently if they're really devoted to the thought of me. the truth is, i have no idea what i feel about these people. two people, really. one, now. i've lost contact with brittney, other than her phone number in my cell that i'm too hesitant to call. that's... a long story.
the other girl that isn't the girl i was thinking about right before i got up, her name's lisa. lisa might be reading this. i hope she is because she deserves to know everything i'm saying. i met lisa three years ago for two days and i can only remember parts of those days now. i remember i cared about her a lot and wanted to spend all my time with her. but she lives in new york, and new york is far away. we were only permitted these two days to express to each other how we felt. i'm pretty sure we said we loved each other, but by now i'm guessing both of us know that wasn't true. fucking fourteen year olds don't know what love is, nor do sixteen or seventeen year olds. nor does anyone, so who has the right to say it? i don't know.
i used that another time. no, i used it plenty of times amongst people i didn't know and didn't really care about. i tried to use love to hide the fact that i hate myself. i figured if i could convince myself i loved someone else, it wouldn't matter what i thought of myself.
but the time it hurt the most was when i said it to someone who knew i was lying to myself. she laughed. well, chuckled, and made a joke out of it. and that was the end of our relationship.
god damn, how i wish someone would have done that to me years ago.
leilla, could also be reading this. she's much more likely to be reading this than lisa, though i don't know that for sure. for maybe two weeks after leilla broke up with me, i was a wreck. i didn't really ever let her know, though it probably got through to her. she put it in such nice words, how could i be mad? it wasn't one of those break ups where i could spite her to null the pain. she broke up with me for the same reason she laughed at me, for part of the reason i hate myself. only half of me is ahead enough to have been dating a girl three years older than me.
i'm guessing a lot of this doesn't make much sense. then again, hell if i know right now.
it's 3:32 am. i've been typing for 12 minutes. are you bored yet?
anyway, like i said, half of me is older than i am. at least that's what i've always thought. because i grew up differently because i cannot see because i was born that way. i could chalk all of this up to fate, but i can also pinpoint every pivotal moment that makes me who i am right now.
the other half of me is still my age. we at sixteen, seventeen are at the point where we're fucking and drinking and saying we're in love. we can't live without these people who have continually wronged us and annoy us. we talk about rebellion and fucking the system while we smoke out of coke cans and we still do our fucking homework.
i've done all of that, i guess. well, besides the fucking.
i got up and started typing this because i was thinking about when i was with leilla. i chuckled aloud as i realized that was the only time in my recent life that i've ever truly felt happy. how sad it is... this dependency. i see it in my friends, too, though. there are only three things that make them complete: alcohol, weed, and women. at the time, with leilla, i'd only have dreamt of the latter. where am i now? this week, away from home, stuck in a room in a town house in timonium, i can say without shame i've craved a smoke once or twice. i'm not addicted to the drug, i'm addicted to the fact that it can take me away.
but how much longer can i really run? i've never been much of an athlete...
Posted on 2006.04.28 at 13:41
someone ran ber'an over with a car
caroline failed another math test
steven wants to leave high school
matthew went to work yesterday and didn't get out until 11:15.
ned has to study all weekend.
karen was not allowed ot buy a drink today.
katelyn hooked up with [mexican] pablo this weekend.
Posted on 2006.04.23 at 18:43
i know i've said this before but i think it's important to explain how vital music is to my life. i'm completely serious when i say i may have killed myself by now if i didn't have music. it just keeps me going. it's something for my mind to follow instead of going down into depression. it's not just the lyrics or having something to relate to, it's the sheer presence of the music itself.
i really like a lot of kinds of music. i'm not one of those tards that says "oh i like anything but rap," or "i like anything but country". i used to hate country, but i've always recognized the catchiness and wittiness of rap. granted i'm not a big fan of 50 cent or kanye west but - and thi sis cliche - underground rap is quality.
as for country it's pretty good sometimes. it's not my thing cause i'm not rural or christian but i can see why people like it. for all i make fun of it, "jesus take the wheel" is catchy.
a lot of people have this image of me as the lazy genius who doesn't do work but knows what's going on all the time and gets decent grades and is really smart and will succeed in life. that's not really true.
i probably won't go anywhere because my passion is that which doesn't deliver; writing.
and yet right now i'm dreaming of the day after i'm dead when one of you prints out all these journal entries and puts them in a book and calls them my early writings. and everyone will write research papers about me and cite this book and you, whoever did that, will be rich. but then, if i'm dead, either i died young or you're about to die too. so um... good luck w/ that
Posted on 2006.04.22 at 10:36
i quit smoking. after the time i blacke dout at a rather inopportune moment it was just not worth it. i had a good time on wednesday over break, but it wasn't worth however much that shit cost and the labor/paranoia that went into actually doing it. i didn't do shit on 4/20; vince said he never wanted to smoke with me again, then went and vomited many times from pretty much the same shit that made me black out. i'm not mad at him about that or anything, just satisfied it bit him in the ass. anyway i'm gonna do my best and stay clean. i don't have a thorough addiction, and it never got to the point where i'd do it alone.
i'd write a long emo entry about prom and how shitty it makes me feel and how lonely i am and how i'll never get a girlfriend blahblah but it's stupid and no one reads it and you know my opinions about everything will change within the next day. but to cut it short - i doubt if i'm going, simply because i don't have the money.
my life is like a really long game of tetris
Posted on 2006.04.07 at 11:22
tunes: interpol - nyc
Nothing has really changed. It's been about a year now, and nothing has really changed a damn bit.
I still miss her a lot. I wonder where she is, if she's even still alive, and if so, how is she?
I doubt if she ever thinks about me. I doubt if anyone ever thinks about me.
But that's just the kind of emo person that I am.
Right now I'm listening to Interpol and this one lyric really makes me think about myself.
It's up to me to turn on the bright lights
It's up to me now to turn on the bright lights
New York cares
got to be some more change in my life
New York cares
got to be some more change in my life
Oh it's up to me now to turn the bright lights
Posted on 2006.03.21 at 20:17
Funny story. It's a Tuesday afternoon and I've got plenty to do before my dad comes around six, so I was looking forward to going home and getting it done and then having the night to relax. At the end of the day the bell rings and I head down my usual hallway to say bye to a few people before I get on the bus, which happens to be the first ot leave the parking lot. Another something that happens is that the hallway I travel down to talk to Josh and Steph nad people has the Foods & Nutrition class in it. Today I guess the Foods class made S'mores brownies. The intoxicating smell led me like iron to a magnet into this room, where a line of eager likewise-attracted kids stood, waiting for the delectable treats. In due time I received mine; upon this incident I ran from the scene towards the bus lot, only to watch all of them leave.
My next course of action was to travel the school in search for a friend. I know a lot of people, but today just wasn't my luck. I found Cate, but she has Driver's Ed. I found Karuna, but he has no car. I found Mr. Coe, but he drives a tank, and I am not permitted entrance. That's about it in terms of people I found. I went to the office and used the phone to call Kenny (his phone was off), then my mom. My mom tells me she can't get here until 10 til 4, essentially trapping me inside the school for an extra hour.
So here I am on a school computer which, for whatever reason, makes every website including LJ look completely horrid and defunct. I'm typing this in the middle of the media center because I don't have a damn thing to do.
But god, that brownie was good.
Posted on 2006.02.24 at 22:49
mood: why isnt "emo" on the list
tunes: the white stripes - the hardest button to button
there's nothing less satisfying than knowing you'll be able to get a good amount of sleep. i've gone through two four-day weeks of hell and i don't quite understand why they've been so bad. the two weeks before interims are always like, "get your grade up and make your mom not want to kill you", but this time it's like.. "fail tests and try to think of an excuse to explain your retardation in chemistry to your mother without using the word retardation".
the thing that i've realized about myself recently is that i loathe it when people don't like me. i bend over backwards so that nobody hates me. i apologize for things which i shouldn't and i do things that people don't deserve. i just don't like the idea that somebody doesn't like me. i don't know why it is, but it just is, and yeah. it's been with me forever, but not until chris told me did i really think about it.
i felt like writing a song when i got home after learning how to play 'seven nation army' (and thusly cutting open my thumb, but, hey) but i'm not very far into it yet. i'll post it later, or something.
lol @ people who say they'll do shit and don't do it, leaving you fucked over for the weekend
still dunno what i'm getting aj for tomorrow. i'll probably hand write him a card with stick figures and macaroni because he's funny like that. and put like money in there. yeah wtf i have money.
write shit and give it to dr. clark for the aquila. it's gonna be hardcore. i'm editing it, and helping design it, and all that good stuff. do it plz.*
*the aquila is a literary magazine. you can submit poetry, short fiction/prose, drawings, paintings and photos, as well as sheet music if you're that hardcore.
quote of the day
rice: It's so clear
josh: What is?
rice: The sky.
hee: Yeah it is.
alyson: Wait, where?
where is the sky alyson
where is the sky?
Posted on 2006.02.22 at 23:34
I GOT HEADPHONES